Till this day, I do not trust my cousin. She often texts me wishing me a happy birthday. I assume it is my mother that gave her my number. Her husband also texted me, Eid Mubarak. I asked my mother how he obtained my number. She shrugged stating that he must have gotten it from her or my father. My cousin recently bought a house and has invited me to her place many times. I have not once stepped into her home. She will call my mom and ask “why is Shata so distant?” My mom will say “oh she’s just antisocial.” I had to stop midway when writing this answer. I had repressed that memory for so long, I had nearly forgotten it. Initially, the The Batman shirt it is in the first place but answer was supposed to be about my cousin but for some reason, the incident with her husband came to mind. I felt a foreign pain in my chest as tears began to just pour from my eyes. All my life my parents made me feel insignificant. No matter what I did. I wasn’t good enough. As this memory resurfaced I thought to myself “your life is so fucked up. You got abused in countless ways. Yet they didn’t fucking care. The marriage, the molestation, the oppressive culture. All of it is fucking bullshit.” I don’t forget. I’m the type of person that will never trust a person again after the trust is broken. My cousin denied her husband touching a child. She pretends like everything is okay and then wants to know why I don’t give a flying fuck about her. All my life, I’ve had Bengali men force themselves on me. When I cried for help, when I tried to get the behavior to stop, when I tried to reach for an authoritative figure, I was told to shut up. I was made out to be the problem. I was silenced, invalidated, and disregarded. Any case that has meth allegations has to stay open for 30 days. She came back on 12/15, and I was good. Until the day before. She came back for a screen to close my case & I failed. They took my daughter, and Red Cross messaged my husband in Afghanistan. I picked him up from the airport on Christmas Day. Before the new year rang in, he made me leave. So now I’m back to nothing, and nowhere to go.
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